CHAOS

Chaos. That is probably a good description of my thoughts lately. I told a friend the other day that "Chaos" is now my middle name. I have so many things on my mind, so many lessons I need to learn, so many tasks I need to complete. It is a chore and I work on everything, complete nothing.

I am probably not being fair to myself. My "to do" list is a whopper. I do know how to be productive. I do know how to stay on task and complete something before moving on to the next task. I know that it feels good to get something done. Here comes the chaos though.

I said in my first post that I have been thinking about starting a blog for quite some time. I love the idea of it and I believe it to be a sort of therapy, for me anyway. I also said in that first post I am not having a pity party. I refuse to have a pity party. So, do me a favor. If you are reading this, and if you read any of my other posts, please do not feel sorry for me because I don't.

What I do feel is confusion, chaos, sometimes out of control, a lack of direction. Not pity or sorrow. I do feel like I just flat out don't understand why and how and WHY. My hope is that expressing my thoughts will help to organize them and even if I never know WHY, be so much better at managing life.

The other night someone said to me, "Wow. The hits really do just keep on coming for you." I smiled and said, "yes they do." I have a print hanging in my home that says "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot protect you". For that I am grateful. Based on that, I am one amazing, strong woman. I need to embed that in my thoughts. When the hits come, I can repeat that to myself and know that not only can I handle this, but as my Mother-in-Law says, "This too shall pass".

I think I will change the tone of this post and make a sort of list of things I am grateful for:

1. My husband. Whatever is going on with his health. He still isn't well, but he is still here. He did have a light stroke, but he didn't have a massive stroke. We have 23 years together and have two incredible children and one amazing granddaughter.

2. My daughter. She gave us our first granddaughter in June. K is happy and healthy and so amazing. Her pregnancy was high risk and just "life" could have been very difficult for her through that time. My daughter was blessed instead. She was blessed not only with a healthy baby girl, she was blessed with a very special person who stood beside her through it all and is standing beside her today. I will forever be grateful to him. He is my hero. He doesn't know that by helping and standing beside Trina, he also helped her family. He gave us peace of mind that she wasn't alone and that she is going to be okay. He IS K's Daddy and she is blessed to have him.

3. My son. He is a source of joy daily. He constantly amazes me with his kind heart and he has understanding well beyond his years and experience. His life has been a challenge too, but I swear, that child has not complained one time. Really. He asks for nothing and complains about nothing. He sure makes life much easier. I often say he is a "soft souled" person. I don't know where he gets it. He is always willing to do more for others than he expects in return. Even with his injury. Yes, he has expressed physical pain. But, not one time has he "whined" about what this injury means for him this year. This boy has always been my sports freak. He lives for playing football and basketball. Yet, not one word of poor me. He makes me proud.

4. My Mom. She has always been my rock. Not alot more to say than that. She is a blessing to us too.

5. Troy's Mom. Same as mine. She is our rock too. Always there with an encouraging word and will be here asap if she is needed. Another blessing for us.

6. My Dad. I don't talk to him as often as I should. But, I know he is there. He doesn't say alot, but he listens real good! LOL. You get the LOL if you know my dad. He is special.

7. My job. It is stressful and busy doesn't even come close to the reality of it. I am grateful to have a job and to have insurance. We went a long time without any insurance..... The job though, is usually a good distraction from the rest of the chaos. When I am at work I am busy all day. No time to sit and think about my own issues. No time to chit chat, etc. Sure makes the day go by quickly.

8. Our friends. Where would we be without you? In a much harder place for sure.

I think I could probably go on to a much greater number of things to be grateful for. For today, I will do my best to concentrate on these blessings. I have my granddaughter here with me while my daughter is at work. I look at her little face and I am filled with joy. She smiles and I swear I think my heart will explode. I hope all who read this have a great day. Count your blessings. Life is hard, but life is good.

Much love.