*****I originally posted this in my NOTES on Facebook. Tuesday, February 22, 2011*****
Karen,
I had more to say than I could post as a comment. Milestones, like this one of 5 years, are hard. But, I wanted to share with you and your family how Janet impressed me and impacted my life.
I don't even remember the first time I met Janet. I know it was at Tonya's house for a crop. Our kids were little. Heather would be running all over Tonya's house and would get so mad at me because I would say she was just a little popcorn fart! When I met Janet, she was bald and wore the bandana most of the time. Sometimes when it was just "us" she would go "au naturale"! I remember thinking how beautiful she was and how brave she was. Those huge beautiful eyes and that smile.
We would sit around and crop and talk and talk and talk. Sometimes some of us would bellyache about how hard life was. How we didn't make enough money, or have enough of this or that. That was a conversation Janet never joined in on. She would listen and offer comfort, but she didn't grinch. It dawned on me later, while she was still here, that we were complaining about trivial things when she was facing such difficult things and SHE wasn't complaining. We fussed about not having enough toys, trips, etc. and in reality Janet financially had very little. She just sat over at her table and cropped. Using what she had and not asking for a thing. After it dawned on me, I wish I could say I was different. I doubt I was, but I did try to make small differences for her.
What Janet talked about was her family. Of course, she talked about Heather all the time. And she loved Jarrod so much. She was so proud of him and she and I both wished that he and Trina would get together! (LOL) She talked about you and your family, your Mom and Tommy, just all of her loved ones. All of that, from what I understood from her, is what kept her going. What motivated her, gave her happiness, gave her strength and comfort. I don't remember her saying it, but we all knew from the way she talked that she wanted you and Elaine to raise Heather if something ever happened to her.
She agonized over the loss of Tommy. She told me on more than one occasion she didn't understand why he had to go. It didn't make sense to her. Keep in mind these are my perceptions from what she told me. I am not trying to speak for her. I am not trying to say that I knew everything or was in her innermost circle. I am just sharing a little bit from many, many conversations we had.
I at some point had a little "ah ha moment" from my relationship with Janet. At least when I was around her I tried to complain less. Not be so trivial. She showed me what was important and it wasn't things. It was love and it was relationships and it was making the best of what you had. Notice, I didn't say she TOLD me, she SHOWED me. I believe in my heart that she made me a better person. I didn't talk to Janet every day. Not even every week. But, every time I did talk to her it was like no time had passed. That kind of friend is rare and is such a blessing.
I remember exactly where I was when I heard the cancer was back. It was Homecoming day. The kids had just been in the parade and I saw Tonya in the parking lot at the HS. I knew that Janet had been to the doctor. Tonya looked at me and said she had talked to Janet. Tonya didn't even say the words. I knew from the look on her face what the news was. We hugged and shed a few tears and talked about how much we loved Janet and how tough she was. We talked about how unfair it was. We talked about how angry it made us that she might have to go through hard, sick times again. We talked about Janet's faith. We talked about Heather. And we talked about you, Elaine and the family. And we agreed that we would pray.
The scripture "if you have faith, even as a mustard seed, you can say to the mountain MOVE, and it will move" has always touched me. In time it came to remind me not only of Janet, but of Vicky Bundy. I was moved to buy things that had a mustard seed in or on them and give them to people as a reminder of God's promises and our need for faith and relying on God. I had given a bracelet with mustard seeds to Bookie Sayre. I spoke with Bookie about it and we decided together that we should "re-gift" the bracelet to Janet. I met Janet and Tonya at Chastain's for tortilla soup and gave her the bracelet. I told her how Bookie was pleased to be able to forward it to her. Not that she needed a reminder to be faithful, but I think those things are comforting. You look at it, even briefly, and you are reminded that He is always with us, even when we don't uinderstand. When she was so sick that February, I asked her about the bracelet. She said it hurt to have anything against her skin. I got a lapel pin with a mustard seed and put it on that Eskimo Joe's sweatshirt she was wearing. She seemed to be glad to have it there. Again, a reminder of God's grace.
I remember speaking with Tonya and being told that Janet's latest check up showed nothing. It was truly a miracle. The doctors were wrong and God was right. I shared the story of that miracle with so many. I put it in my Christmas letter. I shared in my letter that our God is a God of miracles and I knew of a specific miracle. Again, because of Janet, I came out of my normal and I witnessed to others about God's grace. Another gift from Janet.
After Christmas, I got another call from Tonya. Everyone in Janet's house had been sick and Janet wasn't able to shake it. She was going back to the doctor. I am not good with illness and death. My usual choice is to avoid it and deal with it only when I absolutely cannot do otherwise. For some reason, I believe the Lord gave me the strength to be different for Janet. I was able to go visit her, sit and spend time with her. That is so far out of my comfort zone, but I was literally compelled to do it. I was blessed to do it. I wasn't there every day. I know for a fact I wasn't there for so many of the hardest times. I had some long talks with Janet during that time. Because I wasn't her best friend or her family it allowed her to vent a little. She was so concerned about everyone else and didn't want to add to your worries. I pray that it was helpful to her as I know it was for me.
She was talking about that tortilla soup from Chastain's. She wante some of that soup and a half a chicken salad sandwich. So, we made a date with Tonya and Penny. I went to Chastain's and got the food and we met at Janet's house. We all sat out back and talked and laughed and ate lunch. We talked about God and scripture and so many things. It took her a while, but she ate every bit of that soup. We were teasing her because we thought she was going to lick the bowl! I so treasure that memory. One week later was her funeral. Amazing how hard it is to say that. I have backspaced and gone over and over how to say that. But, that is the fact of how it was.
That night you spoke of when she was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I was at the intersection of Hwy 97 and 41st street. I was heading to the baseball complex. Ty and I were at the stoplight and the ambulance came from behind us. We moved over and as it passed, I said to Ty that it was going to Janet's house. I just knew it was. I drove as fast as I could to the baseball complex and I could see the flashing lights in the neighborhood. I literally ran into the baseball complex, tossed at them a disk or something and ran back to my vehicle. I then drove straight to her house. The ambulance was there. Without thinking if it was appropriate for me to be there, I told Ty to stay in the car and I went right on in the house. Elaine was there with the paramedics. Janet was already on the gurney to be transported. I spoke with Elaine and I held Janet's hand and told her how much I loved her. I didn't mean to intrude on your mother. It was really just a gut reaction to go on in. I went back to the car and sat until the ambulance left.
I only went to the hospital once. It was late Friday evening. Your Mom was there with Jarrod and LaDonna and Penny. We sat and I shared with your Mother a few of the things I loved about Janet and how Janet had changed my thinking and in essence my life.
Karen, I was not your sister's best friend. Not even close. But, I know she loved me and I know she knew I loved her. She was a gift to me. I am grateful for the lessons about humility and strength and courage. I am grateful for the opportunity to be there in a small way during her illness. I am grateful every time I get a big hug from Heather today. I am grateful that I now consider you and Elaine my friends. I believe with all of my heart that God put Janet in my life for a reason.
Since losing Janet, my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) and my mother-in-law have both battled breast cancer. Praise the Lord they are both still here and are well (I don't know the technical/medical terms) But, I have often struggled with the fact I wasn't able to be there for them. I just couldn't do it. It has made me wonder even more why I was able to play my small role with Janet. It has made me even more certain it was because that is what God intended for me to do. I am sure that someone else was moved to do for my family members and were just as blessed by that involvement.
You know, life is so hard right now. We are struggling, not with illness, but with life and finances, etc. I have been having a little pity party I guess. Poor me. Look how bad I have it. My mother and Troy's mother have been very supportive and I am so grateful for them. My Mom keeps saying "so many people are having a hard time right now Randi. It isn't just you." Just this past Saturday night I actually got a little upset with her and said "will you please stop saying that to me! All I know is how it is for me right now and it sucks! I cannot be worried about how hard others have it right now!" She understood, and as my dear mother sympathized. But, I was wrong. It could be worse. I could be facing my own mortality or that of someone I love. Last night when you made your post about how it's nearly been 5 years, it reminded me of the lessons I learned from Janet. Things change and we don't always understand why. Time passes and we push back lessons we have learned. I want to thank you for reminding me what is important. Thank you for reminding me of Janet and her strength and courage. My heart goes out to Heather and your whole family.
Sorry this is so long. I wanted to share my thoughts about your sister and how she impacted my life. I knew it wouldn't be short. I love you and I loved your sister. Thank you for sharing her with me and thanks again for reminding me of what is important. I do wish you all peace and I wish you comfort in her memory. God bless you all.
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